daily gripe

Goodbye Joey, you are loved.

Where do I begin?
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love he brings to me
Where do I start?

By Shirley Bassey - Where do i Begin?

Hey Joey,

i hope you are doing well where you are. i pray that there's sunshine, playing fields for you to run in, yummy food bits (don't overeat!), rivers of milk and lots of wonderful companions to spend the never-ending day with. remember not to be too grouchy and grummy sometimes, it's always nice to have a smile on. and drink lots of water, you tend to let that slide when you are having fun. water keeps you running boy!

i decided to write you this note, and pray that in God's infinite mercy, it might reach you because i miss you and there are things that although said, i just want to say it once again. you have been and still are greatly loved by us all and keenly missed in this household you once called home. i miss you. i still have to remind myself that it is better the way things are now, at least you aren't in pain anymore. sorry if in the years that have passed us by, for those times that i wasn't a good friend and for those times when i could have been better...but wasn't.

sometimes life throws us a curveball and we find out that change muct occur. some changes are good, othertimes changes will always cause a certain amount of adaptation and discomfort. hope that the change you find yourself in, has been a good one so far.

i was all of 10 years old when i first walked into the SPCA and saw you in the compound. funny enough, i remember how you looked as a puppy, and how within all of 5 minutes you had me hooked on you for the next 15 years. you were so cute then, so small and so energetic, so willing to let a young kid hold you and cuddle you without throwing a tantrum. thank you so much for stumbling into my arms then. i think the way we were in your compound more or less sealed the two of us together, from back then. looking back, i feel so lucky that no other kid's parents decided to visit the SPCA before mine did.

i remember carrying you back home and the other two dogs - hoho & fookfook - had to take some time to get used to you. are they there with you now? are they welcoming you the same way they did 15 years ago? give them a hug for me as well. the two of them would take to growling at you in your first week's cage to make sure that you knew your place but life was great after that. you had a garden and a home, people who love you and free rein both within and without the house. i can still see you as a young dog, resting on the marble steps in the downstairs hall. i will be playing with my stuff and you will be nearby. and somehow, it felt very right that image in my head. that feeling in my gut.

as the years went on, and i grew up, you also grew older. another vivid image i have of you was of one night when i woke up from sleep. i could hear you pacing beneath my window and growling softly. i wasn't sure how i knew it was you, but i knew. we had that bond between us. suddenly you started barking really loudly at my window, with a warning or was it to warn off? in my memory, i recall hearing a scratching of nail on metal that woke me up, but maybe i was wrong. whatever it was, i knew that you were in some ways protecting me as i was looking after you.

you shared my thoughts and fears, feelings and emotions as i whacked my way through those teenage years. sometimes i held back from communicating but you were always around, and it was hard to resist just talking. you always appreciated a cheese snack or a bowl of milk or just a face rub. and i always gave in. thanks for being my figural shoulder and sounding board when i needed one.

time continued to march on, and we suffered a loss together in 2001. we both lost someone we loved greatly, who would take care of us in a different way from how we looked out for each other. is she there with you as well? tell her i love her and still miss her greatly. time passes by but the the heart's emotions do not fade. you were a companion to have in those dark days of 2001. you were one of the reasons i had to grow up even faster after then. too much depended on me to remain a young kid with naive ambitions and worthless goals.

and somehow we walked into 2005, and i found out that your body was giving in to old age and genetically, a health problem had developed with your inability to naturally pass motion due to a hernia. i argued to keep you with us longer, because i wouldn't have forgiven myself if i gave you up because i simply didn't want to put in the time or money or effort in making you comfortable. i made a line that unless you suffer in pain constantly and your quality of life drops to an inhumane level, i would never ever ever let you go...and for awhile, it was working, not perfectly, but clearing your bowels for you weekly, sometimes more sometimes less, made it possible for you to be with us longer. i know you loved life as much as anyone else does, that spark in your eye as you run along the side garden, that zeal to finish all your food(and you ate alot comparatively for a 15 year old)and those moments when you run up to the gate to say 'hello'. i couldn't let you go either.

then came the final blow. those bloody houseflies had managed to pentrate and lay eggs. maggot infection occured. i rushed you to a hospital to clear the maggots. but looking at the wounds, with its location over your anal region, it was heart-shattering. i couldn't bring myself to even contemplate clearing your bowels if i had to reach in and pull out over your wounds. there were so many complications invovled then. what if your wound got infected? would moving a finger over the area cause you pain. in your own way, you answered those doubts, when you flinched at the powder i applied to keep the area dry, the way you struggled when i applied water to clean the area. it wasn't a 'maybe' to me anymore that you were in pain, it was a 'definitely'. i caved in. it was better for you not to suffer then for us all to put us all to live through this every week.

i wanted to let you undergo surgery. and if i was given a positive proposal i would have. but there were too many negatives involved. you might not have woken up from the GA, the walls that are sewn together might split under the rectal pressure, you might have developed liver/kidney failure, post-operational care might leave you a shadow of what you were. it seemed that it would have been a grevious mistake to let you undergo surgery.

so i decided for the other extreme. it wasn't an easy or simple decision. and i pray that you understand. in those final moments, i was so worried that you were confused, that you felt lost. i remember you taking a final look around, at the room, at my dad and at me, before you closed your eyes. i stayed in the room for some time after. i felt your presence move off.

i miss you joey. so much. hope you miss me and think of me too. one day we will meet up again somewhere. remember to keep that smile on your face for me. i definitely remember how your smile was, back down here.

*hugs*

your loving friend,

posted by inspirethereal @ 10:53 AM